Thursday, February 26, 2015

Wanting or needing.

Hello everyone,
so long didn't had some chit-chat with you guys..
Well this wasn't exactly chit-chat, I just feeling a little down now,
oh human.

I was asking myself for few couple times, what's the best way to stay out of or get over any miserable moments that ever happen in my life (didn't mean to overreacted here), I know I sounds so stupid that for now I still can't get over all of those after few years passed. Well, maybe it's just because I had feelings that still left here. Didn't have to pretend that everything's fine here. It's NOT fine. I'm not fine to be frank.
I asked myself why. I can't find the answers. Am I still love him? Did it just a temporary feelings? Did I still want him? Is it love or what? In order to move on and be with someone else is that you have to throw all of the old feelings and make sure it didn't came back, if did, you know that only yourself can let it go in or cut it off. Your choice. I know I simply type it in words, but trust me, it's way too hard to live it. I am having a problem with those thing. Is it because I had a weak kind of heart. *lol

So, been reading all the true-story blog I found it accidentally. We are all have experienced similar things, I know you do. But I'm salute of every one of you who can just get over it and be happy with your life, I wish I could do so. I ask myself about the difference between wanting & needing somebody, and get these answers,

There’s a difference between wanting somebody/something and needing something/someone.
Here’s an analogy: You want a Prada bag, but you don’t exactly need one. Of course, your desire for that particular thing you want can be weak or strong, depending on several things.
You may want something really badly, with every ounce of strength that you possess, or you may only want it half-heartedly. On the other hand, you need oxygen; there is no real desire for it, but you have to have it, nonetheless, for survival.
Of course, there are circumstances in which a need may become a want. For instance, when you’re drowning, the need for oxygen gets so strong that the need becomes want.
In those few seconds, you want oxygen like you want your life — literally. Often, we only truly appreciate the value and necessity of some things only when we lose them, don’t we?
Want and need can be really different, but at times, pretty similar. So, what is love? Here’s the answer to the million-dollar question: Love is when you want what you need and need what you want. 
Now, let me spell it out for you further. I believe most love relationships start out with a state of wanting. When you fall in love, you want the other person very, very much.
And then slowly, over time, as you love, you also become more and more accustomed to that person, so much so that you might even feel as though you can’t live without him or her. This is when want becomes need. When you want and need something simultaneously, you can call it love.
When you truly love someone, you know that you want him or her. You can feel that craving in the depth of your soul and in every nerve and every fiber of your physical being. It may feel almost like an addiction or an unyielding obsession.
You know that there is lust, but there is also something more. It’s something that truly satisfies, yet leaves you wanting more. Indeed, love can leave you in a vulnerable state. Perhaps this is where “want” transcends into “need.”
It’s when you have become so dependent on the other person for your emotional and physical demands that you can’t live properly if he or she disappeared from your life completely.
With this person, you can feel a sense of familiarity and assurance that comes with his or her acceptance of you. You feel safe with him or her.
In a way, love can become a comfort zone, a refuge you can run to. Though, in another way, it can also be a dangerous place where you might get yourself or the other party really hurt.
After a breakup, it’s unavoidable that you will feel slightly needy because now that you’re out of your comfort zone, you just want to feel safe again.
It’s nostalgia. Even if you were to get back together after he comes begging at your feet, you might be satisfied for a while, but you won’t stay satisfied for long.
Because, in the end, he is still not what you want. He was, but that’s the past. You loved him, but now, you don’t. Now you feel like you need him only because he’s part of what that feels familiar.
Undeniably, he’s the safer choice, compared to being single again after such a long time. But, I can assure you that if you settle for this half-assed love, you are risking nothing but your future happiness.”
No one said going through breakups is easy, let alone leaving the person you thought you would marry. Yet, it’s definitely better than running away on the wedding day, right?
The truth is, love is never completely black and white. In fact, I think 80 percent of it is grey matter. Love can fade just as quickly as it can surge and fill your entire being with its magical feelings of happiness and bliss.
Lust is part of love, but love cannot be defined solely by the feeling of wanting someone. Desires can be ephemeral, just like feelings are mercurial.
And, when you need someone but do not have that insatiable want for him or her, it could be nostalgia or just lazy dependency.
Don’t settle for less. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone in search of a person who could be better for you either. Like they say, you accept the love you think you deserve.
Take some time and think about it. Some things are better late than never, and love is certainly one of them.
I know it's hard to accept realities when once you thought that was the perfect one for you, but maybe you're not the perfect one for him. I've gone that wrong way. I thought he's the one, the first and the last. But in fact, maybe this just another lessons in your life. I am kind of afraid to be with someone else, to be frank, I kinda feel like I lost senses to love someone, to be in love for the exact. Sometimes I feel like I am the stupied human alive.

You said you want me to be happy, how can I be happy?
People said, don't put your happiness based in someone else, because when they're gone, so is your happiness.
Yes, it is.
You said you want me to moved on, how can I move on when you're still around.
There's a time when I finally can get over my feeling for you then you suddenly came back from nowhere, and those feelings came back. Let's say it's just nostalgia.
Yes.
You said I deserve better. I know I am. But if I'm seeking the good for the better, I would't end up still holding on you.
You ask me what you have to do. I can't. Even if I'm telling you, you wouldn't do it. I am selfish I know. But I can't be selfish with you. You know that too.
You ever told me that I was playing around with your friends, and even said that I'm close with one of your friend. OH HELL NO!! Even if I had that chance, I won't take it. NOTE THAT.
You once said that you love me, but it wasn't love that I understand it to be. If you really love me, you wouldn't do all of horrible things, you won't make me like living hell. I just knew maybe at some point you did really love me, but your love is not as big as your love to (well I won't say).
You said you know me, you  know exactly what I'm feeling. You said you know that you are all the reasons why I experienced those bad feelings. But I guess you did not understand them well.
I know maybe you had your own bad things happen, and I try to understand, more or less.
But as you said, that maybe someday.. even the nicest person gets tired, the nicest person had their limits. Well maybe this wasn't my limits, yet.
I don;t know what to say to you, or how. I am no good with face-to-face kind of conversations, as you already know.



Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Happy Belated Valentine's Day from me to YOU

Hello everyone,
it's been a while since my last post "wisdom teeth extraction"
and can't believe that time really flies too fast!

I'm here now just wanna say
Happy Valentine's Day!!!!


I am NOT that flowery kind of girl, but who doesn't love roses!
Yes I know it's a little not worth it to buy flowers but once again.. who can resist roses?
So anyway.. wishing you all the couples having a great valentine's day.
OH, I spent my valentine's day with some friends, and club also. HAHA :)
Told ya I still can't move on from nightlife kind of thing.
And I having a pre-valanetine celebration with my bestie too..






Till the next post guys xx ;)



                                                                            xoxo,
                                                                                              Lia 

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Wisdom Teeth Extraction (Removal)

Hello everyone,
oh my god it's February already!!!!!
I know time flies so fast..

Attention: this blogpost contains a disturbing picture of my bloody tooth.

So here's to the point as I said on my blog title, I am having my wisdom teeth extraction, or you could say removal, or odontectomy as their medical name oh whatever..
And I'll show you next my x-ray *lol


You can see the wisdom teeth is supposed to be straight, but mine had grown headed, and it causes my wisdom teeth can't grow out. Oh believe me, this is my first time having surgery (even it's small) still it's SURGERY!! Not to be dramatic here.. But it is less painful now, finally get rid of them. And the doctor is a dental surgeon, which is more expert of my case.

So, I spend at least a month (to get rid of those two), 2 weeks for 1 tooth, and waiting for it to healed then removing the other side. The first one is NOT painful at all when the doctor pull out my tooth, oh well she anesthetized me first before begin to slit my gum.

I don't know what she's doing, but all I know she separates my teeth with my bones, with some kind of bone drill. wohoooo it's a DRILL. Then she cracked my tooth but it doesn't cracked at all, she said that maybe my bones is too strong, and she need to drill it (again and again), so she separates my tooth to 4 pieces (that's creepy).
It takes only about 1 hour, remembering that's just a small surgery after all.

After she finish removes my tooth, she begins to sew my gums back together, and I need to let it healed by themselves. And don't ask me how it looks like, I look fvckin' disgusting, especially 1 day after surgery. My cheek's swollen, really BIG, of fuck I feel like gaining 5 kilos seeing my cheek like that, and my face doesn't look so proportional either.

Wanna see my tooth? hahahahaha oh I didn't took a picture of my first one, so here's my second wisdom teeth..


You may see that's only 3 pieces, but actually it's 4, the other piece is missing. lol
And you know what, the last wisdom teeth are the creepiest, why? the roots is like claws, so technically it's more difficult to extract. But it takes only 45 minutes for the second odontectomy.
Thanks to my dear bff Gaby who helped!!!!! GRAHH I am grateful that now they're GONEEEE :))


Do you spot the yellow bruise under my right cheek?
YES it's because the wisdom teeth extraction.
And the picture below is one day after surgery, SHIT look at that NOT PROPORTIONAL cheek!!!!
So I'm not gonna set it extra large hahahahaha *fvcking disgusting.


This one before going to my second surgery..


After surgery.. omg zombie alert! and you may see the exact difference of my cheeks. lol


Still pretty huh? LOL :p
The second one is much more pain-less that the first one, you know what? I can't barely smile after having my first odontectomy. Crazyyyyy. Hahaha.. I can only eat porridge for day 1 after surgery. After that? I can eat chicken, even beef! Hahaha :D
And for the second time, I only eat porridge for current 2 or maybe 3 days straight. To lose weight of course. Still can't move on with dietary obsessed.

And here's my current situation now (well last saturday) after thoseeee surgeries...



HA maybe I got a little slimmer face after all those removal thingy. :D
So, this is the end of the post!
Leave any comments if you're experiencing some kind of same situation as mine..
Till the next post!!







                                                                            xoxo,
                                                                                              Lia 

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Fresh New Start

Hello everyone,
First of all, happy new year!!
May joy & happiness surround us in this 2015..
As you know, I didn't go anywhere for holiday, yes that's sucks.
But whatever it is, it's passed already, and now it's time to get back to work and make some money. LOL. Eh sorry for this post, I will use both english & indonesian as well. Sorry guys, for those who didn't understand, please open up your google translate for instant. :p

Oh you know what, during holiday back then, I terribly feel so so so lazy (until now I guess), I am so lazy to do anything, including eat, working, and going anywhere (as you know I am the type of person that can't even sit at home for few days), just sitting in front of my laptop, watching movies, surfs the instagrams, and mostly sleep.

Aku ga tau sih why, itu hal yang JARANG sekali terjadi, apalagi buat aku. hahaha. okay, sedikit aneh sih curhat di blog ini menggunakan bahasa indonesia, as you know mostly I use english here, tapi kalau dikehidupan asli, jarang sekali pakai yg namanya bahasa inggris, I mostly use javanese, alias bahasa jawa, maaf ya merusak image, hahahaha. Dan sejujurnya saya punya nada bicara agak kasar dan medok sekaliii, don't expect me punya nada suara yang sok imut dan sedikit bitchy (buatku itu menjijikan sekali dan tidak terlihat berwibawa), I'm kinda boyish. LOL
So, to be honest I don't know what I have to say today, actually I just need a little chat, even there's NOTHING left to say, yet.

Errr maybe a little bit of selfie pic I just took yesterday.
As you know I love to play with makeup stuffs, especially in the middle of the night where I can't even sleep. Oh maybe I took about 15 minutes for doing my face. And also LOVE the fuller looking lips last night!!!! omg :p
So here it is..








And if you're wondering what kind of fake lashes I am using here, it's from Blinkcharm Sweet Classic #1, I am one of the winner of their giveaway. Look at those packaging, it's rudolph and it's super CUTE.




See you in the next post guys!





                                                                            xoxo,
                                                                                              Lia 



Wednesday, December 31, 2014

End of 2014.

Hello everyone,
so here it is, the end of 2014 in just 1,5 hours to go.
It's been a long long journey to reach up the page 365 of 365.
Through the happy and sad time, through ups and down, yes it's been a beautiful year for me, especially for my career, thank God for guiding me this far.
I've been feeling so down lately (read: frustrated).
Been struggling to beat it, trust me, if you can walk in my shoes, you'll be traumatized for life.
If it's not God who strengthen me during this time, I might be just commit suicide. Haha. Kidding. I'm not that stupid though.

Thankyou for my dearest bestfriend Gabriella who still there to listens to me, especially my super drama and never ending sad love story, I know you get bored of it at times, but thankyou for always there to listen when nobody really there (even sometimes you're gone too). I wish you a long happy life Gab.
And also my bff from elementary school Kartika, who care & listens to my problems eventhough we're not constantly talk to each other or barely hangout together in past a year.

And today I am here, in this really hour, no party, no drinks, no dancing on the dancefloor, not putting on any makeup, just here staring at my laptop and listens to some random musics on playlist.

I wanted to make myself resolutions on 2015, I mean so to-do list. It's hard to-do the task that I've made in past few years. Oh yes everything is in delay to be exact. I promised myself that I WILL DO WHAT I HAD TO DO starting from delayed to-do list 2012, 2013 and 2014.

Okay, so here's my newyear 2015 resolutions :
1. Lose another 5 to 10 kilos (AMEN).
2. Work more harder.
3. Forget everything that hurt me in the past 3 years (almost).
4. Let go of the things that I can't change, if it's meant to be it will be.
5. I'll go and get what I want, not just wandering & think "what if".
6. SAVING MONEY!!!!
7. Getting a new haircut (oh maybe)
8. Give and take.
9. Be smart enough to choose people who stay & need to leave your life, for your own good & own sake.
10. Smart enough to show people what exactly how you feel.
11. Reduce my temper.
12. Reduce partying & reduce drinking too much alcohol too.
13. Live more healthy (I wish).
14. Forgive mistakes but never forget the lesson you get.
15. Forgive any sins I did in past few years.

Well that's a lot, to be continued I guess. :)
I'm wishing you a happy new year 2015
May joy and happiness surround you.
Let's start a new life from page 1 of 365.
Seeyou again in January 2015.




                                                                                              xoxo,
                                                                                                                       Lia 

Pray for QZ8501


Hello everyone,
We're few more hours before New Year and having a heartbreaking news on Sunday, 28th December 2014.
We still don't know what happened yet, the cause of the lost airplanes of Airasia Airlines.

Deepest condolence,
My prayers goes to those who left behind.
Please stay strong and keep praying for all the victim's families & friends.
It is so so heartbreaking news to all of us, especially Indonesian.
Everything happens for reasons, God give us life, and God takes us back, in any time he wants.
Can't imagine that the last time you said goodbye will truly be the last. :(
Rest in peace to all the victims.

I wish there's still hope and some of the will be found alive.
Amen.


#prayforQZ8501

Monday, December 22, 2014

Heart to heart

Hello everyone,
been few weeks didn't check on my blog, kinda busy with my bro's wedding day last week.
It's kinda unbelievable that he's now a married man. HAHAHA.
Well yeah.. it means that now I am the last one. OH, I still had one left cousin haven't married yet.

It's December already, yeah time flies so fast, and it's almost Christmas.
Well today.. I guess we had a heart-to-heart kind of thing again. After few months didn't get chances to "curhat" kind of thing here. I know that it's not a necessary thing, but here I am, I'm good at writing not talking especially when it's face-to-face. I go blank. I know I had a lot to ask, but seems like I couldn't find the right words to ask. Or maybe I am too afraid to face the truth. Well yeah that's me.
I'd rather keep it to myself than to express what I really felt, and then regret for not asking what I really want to ask.

So here's the thing, let me ask you a question.
I know this is weird. Don't get me wrong.
"Have you ever love someone to the point where you want to kill yourself for loving them too much, but you can't do anything about it, and when you had a chance to tell 'em because they asked, but the answer you got is too heartbreaking. And it stays on your mind, affects your mood, and you don't know what to do next.
And do you ever feel.. it seems like you really win, but the situation won't let you win?"
Okay I know my question is a little bit confusing.
I guess it's just me who can't get over something so fast, like "oh okay, you suck, get lost."
My life is too ironic I guess. I couldn't find any word to describe what I really feel exactly.

At some point, you know that maybe there's a little bit of feelings they left about you, maybe it's love, or maybe hatred towards you. Who knows?
And maybe they really love you, but their actions seems just... not reflecting that they really love you. Because if you really love someone, you didn't destroy the one you love.
MAYBE THEY LOVE YOU, BUT THEY DIDN'T LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO THE POINT WHERE THEY DIDN'T EVEN ONCE TRY TO FIX WHAT THEY BROKE.
Oh yeah, I guess yeah that's the matter..

Still, I had tons of questions that haven't been answered yet.
Can I just lists it below? Well, okay..
1. Why me?
2. Why am I always be the one who got blamed for making a decision that we both know I am not the one who made mistakes?
3. Why she can, but I can't?
4. Is it wrong to be "still" in love with someone I can't have?
5. Give me some proof that if you really love me back then.
6. Why did you force me to say what I don't wanna say in front of you? And then you give me an un-acceptable answer after that.
7.  Why did you still there, when you said that we will never be "us". (if you got what I mean)
8. If you tell me that it's for my own sake that we can never be together, it's my choice if I wanted to stay, and it's my choice too if I wanted to leave. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT after the time pass?
9. No matter how hard I try, and no matter how fuckin' tired I am, I can never erase you from my mind.
10. I know maybe at some point people said that you bring all the negative side for me. But I didn't think so. They maybe just knew the story, but not the one who walked in my shoes.
11. If you really want me to live my own way, forget everything, and get over my feelings, WHY ARE YOU STILL THERE?
12. I exactly know that having another man maybe can help, but I DON'T WANT TO.
I surely know exactly how it feels.
13. Be careful for your words, it hurts me, really. You just can't see it through my face. But I swear it hurts, and maybe if you were me, you'll be in tears.
14. If I already ask you those, what's the point of this all if all you can say is "we don't have a chance".

I still had TONSSSS of questions!!!
OH GOD PLEASE  JUST KILL ME NOW :(

I am sorry that I'm kinda mellow-dramatic bitch lately.
You can see it from what I've posted, every quotes, I just need to let go of some feelings that kills me inside. I don't know where to vent my feelings.
I never thought that I would be this weak, yes I'M FUCKIN' WEAK.
Maybe you see me smiling, but it doesn't mean that I'm happy.
Yeah I got a job, my job contains my hobby, It goes really well from the very beginning, but I couldn't help that at some point I feel tired, I had none to whine, I am tired to listen but nobody's listening to mine.

Maybe it's not about trying to fix something that's already broken, maybe it's about to throw all the broken pieces and start to build a new one.
Maybe it's the thing that could not be fixed, and you do have to be willing to let go.

Somedays are too hard for me to live it like nothing really matters.
I pray every night that maybe God is willing to give me things that I wanted most, I asked Him every night, I please Him, because I know that God always listens to His child. Even answer to their questions. Maybe you didn't get it right after you pray, but eventually He will. I know that He got the most amazing plans for His child.

Oh God,
I didn't know what to say. :(